The warmth of my burning heart

The flight tickets lay tossed on my dining table. It was a ticket to Bangalore.I had to be there on the 20th of this month. Mandatory.

If I could put a price to feelings, this was it.

A third of my salary.

I stared at it nonchalantly.

It was two days away.

I had to gather some courage and be there.

The d day arrived.

I was secretly hoping that the evening would never come.

I didn’t want to get on that flight. I didn’t want to go to Bangalore.

My heart was almost exploding in my ribcage. 

But promises are meant to be kept right?

Strangely that evening there was no traffic.

The drive to the airport was smooth as a dull knife through butter at room temperature.

My flight was at midnight. I had enough time to kill.

I settled in the niche of my coffee shop. Picked up a book and was engrossed in some reading. My phone beeped.

“You are coming right?” the text read.

I gulped.

It had been ages since I answered a question so direct.

“Of course” I responded as if it didn’t stab me in the heart as I typed it.

“I can’t wait to meet you” it read

I smiled at the irony of the situation. I put my phone away and continued to read until my eyes were filled with
tears.

I brushed them away as if I had control over the situation and boarded that flight.

The journey was gruelling.

A million thoughts crossed my mind. What was I doing? Why was I flying to this city after it had left me with?
Why was an emotion such an integral part of my life that I refused to let go of any strand that made me feel human?

Was it an addiction to emotion or did I think that I deserved this feeling?

Was it my fault all along or was it that I dwelled so much in the past that my mind refused to believe the present.

It was almost 3am when I landed in Bangalore.

The city had a different vibe to it.
The AirPort was bustling with people.

This time loneliness hit me.

I switched on my phone.

Four messages and a missed call.

“I’m waiting at the exit “it read.

My heart skipped a beat.

He was there. Waiting for me.i nearly ran out of the airport pushing people out of my way. It was a weird excitement.

I ran panting.

He was at the exit. My heart skipped a beat,I was breathless like seven years ago.

“I would have taken a cab”I spat breathlessly at him

“At this hour? Sure” he smiled while taking my luggage.

It was as if nothing had changed. That smile, that composure, the aura.Nothing.

What was I doing watching my heartbreak? I was the catalyst.

We zoomed past the city. For a lot of the city dwellers, the day was young. The city slept late, partied hard.

The drive was slow and quiet. The wind hit my face with vigour so powerful that I shivered in its presence.

The air was eerie. He proceeded to play some music. I stopped him. We didn’t need to fill our silence with happy songs.
The world definitely didn’t need to empathize with me either.

Neither of us knew what to speak. This moment is what I had been dreading my whole life.

“it’s a long drive “he murmured.

“I can see that” I retorted

“How have you been,” he asked me. Customary

“Coping” I responded.

“Typical response “he smirked. A smile escaped his lips.

That smile gave it away. Awkward silences are not meant to be filled.

It is to make us realize that sometimes things aren’t rosy. The day our mind wishes for a different ending, the
silence is enough to smother that thought.

“Do you want to go for a drive?” he asked me

I nodded.

I definitely didn’t want to prepare to see my end so soon.

We continued along the smooth road. It was almost dawn.

Birds were starting to chirp. The light was slowly creeping through the dark sky.My teeth were chattering in the cold.
I didn’t have to say a word.

He drove till we reached a tiny place with tea. The backdrop was a forest. Morning walkers would stream in a
while.
 The tea smells strongly of cinnamon.

We drove through. The steam was a relief.


 I wasn’t a tea fan.Ever.But had that been vial of poison I would have gladly taken it.

I held the cup and looked into it.

I was avoiding eye contact. I really had nothing to say. He wasn’t going to ask me if I was okay.

He took the tea and continued to look at me. Concern was an understatement.

“What are we doing here “I snapped.

My face was flushed, eyes red with tears.

I had Kajal smeared all over my face, my hair was dishevelled.

I was a walking mess.

“What we are doing here is for you let go,” he responded

Oh yes, what a brilliant suggestion indeed.

My mind applauded his sarcasm.ironically he wasn’t sarcastic.I stood up, gulped the tea paid the guy.

I tapped the car door and signalled him that we had to leave.

The drive back was gruelling.

The venue had the festive vigour.

On reaching, everyone spat abuses at him. Of course, they had to.if the groom left early morning to pick up a girl from the airport who wasn’t the bride who wouldn’t get upset.

I smiled weakly at the crowd.

What was it about this attachment that every moment there was an arrow to my heart?

A lot of people dissuaded me from being here. His happiness will shatter you, they told me. I turned a deaf ear to
every one of those pieces of advice.

I saw that they were right. I went into a room.

The day was young.sunlight slowly crept through the window. I saw people hustling around. the women were decked in heavy jewellery
.

I sat on the window sill gazing at it.

It must have been really long because the seasons were changing outside while inside it was a gloomy affair. The rains continued to pour.

I wiped my eyes, took a quick bath and went downstairs.

I was there to capture a smile.

I didn’t fly to Bangalore to remain cooped up in a room and mope.

I saw that the reception was yet to start.

I went over to the bar and got myself a drink.

Under normal circumstances, I would never drink.

My ethics knocked some sense into me.

But today I threw caution to the wind. The one person I shared my drink with was sharing his life with someone else. What was I to care?

I gulped one drink after the other.

People cheered the bride and groom. She was a pretty woman. Picture perfect couple. He was uncomfortable.

Looked forced in the scene. He smiled for all the pictures, but I knew that the smile wasn’t genuine. Heartbreak wasn’t a single-ended arrow.

It killed both on either side.

A well-dressed guy beckoned me. He wanted to take a seat beside me.

“And you are?”

“Coping” I replied.

I was on my game. This was only the beginning of what could be it. Attachment always brought pain.

It was a string of promises attached .life had to be that balloon. We had to let it fly.

It never shook my faith in people.

The new guy tried to indulge me in small talk.

I wasn’t really interested. I wasn’t going to waste time on this drama.

I hated small talk. The circle was small.

I had to make sure that he would stay.

He had to ask though.” who are you related to”

Now, this was it.my temper was hanging by a thread.

“Myself”

He looked bumfuzzled. Now patience took over.

“My heart belongs to me. When it was here all along,


I never thought about the worth of it or what could happen without it. I came here to find out”

Attachment is excruciating. It puts you in so much hope that you rely on it. I

t makes your trust in people multiply manifold. It's an overwhelming emotion.

I needed that fire in me to keep me going. Never was I going to string people along. It had to be a small circle.

The perimeter would never expand.

Whether I let it go or I had to was something that I didn’t want to face.

We exchanged numbers. Wrapped in promises to heal. It was a warped word. Needles around a balloon.

The feeling was like a tattoo needle.

It pierced my heart.I hate needles. but the blood was worth it.

The design it etched was beautiful. Indelible.

It was a warm feeling. The heat of tears, the bitter heartbreak.The funeral of my feelings. The attachment would continue to stay.

My heart is still open to whisk in those who left.